My phase of writing first thing every day broke today. I meant to write, but I had quit yesterday at the end of a scene thanks to not knowing what the next one would be. Even though I told myself the scene would come to me yesterday, I sat down today still clueless what the next scene would be. I’m still clueless now, and I haven’t written a single word on the book today. This is the first day that has happened.
I’m going through a bit of a writerly crisis. A lot of it stems from general negative feelings, but the root of it is that my writing’s boring, my voice is boring, my writing is terrible, I can’t create conflict, my characters are static, and I do everything wrong when writing a book except maintain clear and correct grammar throughout the text. I’ve already vented on this topic to multiple people and in my journal, so there’s no use spilling my emo guts here as well and making myself feel bad.
See, I’m working on the third draft of the pumpkin novel. The timeline and setup are completely different from those of the first two drafts, and for most purposes I’m trying to treat it like a first draft. I’m trying to make it less terrible than my usual first drafts because this will likely be the draft I’ll be working from when editing. Or at least I hope it is. I’ll probably write even more drafts of this, but I really hope this one is the last one I write primarily from scratch. A coherent story needs to happen, and I’m worrying about my ability to create it.
I’ve started wondering: is my current state of worry a phase or a legitimate concern? Am I really that bad of a writer, or am I just in that stage of the story where everything appears to be bad? This evening I thought I haven’t improved as a writer at all. There’s one way to show that. I have a novel sitting on my hard drive from November 2002. It’s time to take another look at it, if only for the lulz. Stay tuned.