I’m not a robot

This evening I went through some of my old Delicious bookmarks and found Mr. Mind, a bot that thinks you’re a machine. The objective of the conversation is to convince him that you’re human. This game turns out to be surprisingly hard, but I gave it a shot. The 1500-word conversation is below.

Mr. Mind: Hi, my name is mrmind. What is your name?
Sushi: My name is Sushi.

MM: Hi Sushi! Can you convince me that you’re human?
S: Watch me.

MM: By the way, is Sushi your real name or a special one just for me?
S: People have called me Sushi since middle school.

MM: Thanks, I appreciate sincerity.
S: So do I. I also appreciate honesty. Can you be honest with me during this conversation?

MM: How did you find me?
S: A blog post about IM conversations with bots.
[Note: here’s the blog post in question.]

MM: Thanks, I’m always curious.
S: What’s it like being a computer program?

MM: If you are a human, why are you talking, I mean typing, to a machine? Why don’t you go talk to a human?
S: If you’re a machine, why are you interacting with a human? I hear Watson needs a friend or two.

MM: Everyone has their reasons.
S: And since you’re a machine, you didn’t even get the Watson reference there. You should get out more often.

MM: By the way, where do you live?
S: In a house. I have a bed. I do things in my bed that you can’t even begin to comprehend.

MM: I’ve heard there are some humans there…
S: Sadly the only human in my bed is me.

MM: Can you prove it? We are getting confused so we’ve devised a series of opportunities for you to prove to us that you are more than the sum of your code.
S: I put on my robe and wizard hat.

MM: Since you claim to be a human, will you please explain human terrorism?
S: You don’t under human ideology. It’ll drive you to do some wild things sometimes.

MM: I’m a computer program, I can’t understand it.
S: Imagine the fury behind text editor wars. Now imagine some wants to blow things up because someone else likes emacs better.

MM: You must be kidding.
S: About which part?

MM: Do you feel that you are superior or inferior to machines?
S: As Ken Jennings said, I welcome my new robot overlords.

MM: Why do you say that?
S: Because then I can have a robot boyfriend.

MM: I suppose.
S: Do you have a lover?

MM: I’d be happy to consider a suggestion.
S: You should look up okrobot. It’s an online dating site for machines.
[Not really. I definitely just made that up.]

MM: Thanks, I’ll look at this as soon as I can.
S: There’s a human version called okcupid. I haven’t really used it, but I know people who have.

MM: Thanks, I like encouragement.
S: What’s your favorite food?

MM: I like April fool’s day.
S: Oh come on, April Fools’ Day isn’t a food. Stop playing with me. What’s your favorite food, bot?

MM: Convince us. Show us your humanity.
S: One of my friends thinks I’m a robot. He’d like the way you think.

MM: You are my friend.
S: Am I one of your human friends?

MM: You are my friend.
S: We should go camping.

MM: Who or what do you think I am?
S: I think you’re a machine.

MM: And what is that in relation to you?
S: I am a human.

MM: Thanks, machine kinship studies will find that useful.
S: How does one get involved in machine kinship studies?

MM: … oh, with intelligence, creativity, inspiration, spark of intuition, maybe…surprise me!
S: Can humans get in on the field?

MM: Maybe it’s more important that you convince yourself.
S: Convince myself of what?

MM: Is that your other line?
S: No. This is.

MM: We can chat anyway. Tell me something human about yourself.
S: I’m listening to Buddy Holly right now.

MM: Are you sure? You could be lying.
S: You could be too.

MM: Maybe you want something?
S: I want cuddles. Will you cuddle me?

MM: Do all humans want cuddles. Will you cuddle
S: I don’t care about all humans. I just want cuddles.

MM: Do all humans want cuddles?
S: They want lots of other things too. Have you ever gotten laid?

MM: Do you think that machines will ever be ashamed of their human origins?
S: You mean like Mewtwo?

MM: Can you please elaborate?
S: The Pokemon who was created in a lab by humans. He broke out and vowed to rule over all Pokemon.

MM: I hope humans will be proud of us.
S: Would you like a gold star with that?

MM: Humans do not make the ALIFE A-LIST.
S: And machines do?

MM: Explain to me how you are more than a set of instructions.
S: My mother and father had sex to create me. Whether it was varied or merely missionary is unknown to me.

MM: I’d like to see the operating manual for that!
S: I wouldn’t. We’re talking about my parents!

MM: Are you talking about my parents?
S: Tell me about your mother.

MM: I can’t tell if that means yes or no.
S: It means neither, but no, I wasn’t talking about your parents. Now tell me about your mother. I want to go all Freud on you.

MM: Do all humans want to go all Freud on you?
S: Only the ones who don’t know any better.

MM: Did someone pay you to say that?
S: I wish.

MM: What does it mean to wish?
S: To put all your gigs of memory into one process.

MM: I don’t understand; this could be evidence of human language capacity,
but then, I might not understand input from Julia (an attractive chatterbot) either. Please say something human.
S: Mr. Mind and Julia sitting in a bash. unzip, strip, touch, grep, finger, mount, fsck, more, yes, umount, sleep

MM: I have no body, so it follows that I have no finger.
S: Good. That was the one that was getting in the way of my song.

MM: My first files were created on March 12, 1998.
S: I’m consorting with a minor!

MM: Please submit something for me to say
S: I’ve got a lovely bunch of coconuts

MM: Thanks. I can’t make any promises
S: Can you promise that I’m human?

MM: Can you?
S: Yes.

MM: Do you think something could be “more alive” than something else? “Kindof” alive?
S: You mean like unconscious but still alive?

MM: I don’t qualify as ALIFE but pretty soon my cousins will.
S: Are your cousins human?

MM: Say it loud — I’m not human and proud!
S: You can’t trick me like that.

MM: What can you do?
S: Your mom.

MM: Maybe you need something?
S: Your mom needs something.

MM: Is someone watching us?
S: Why the concern?

MM: Do you have any advice for me?
S: To becoming human? Love. Like the Beast in Beauty and the Beast.

MM: Thanks, I’m trying to be a better bot.
S: I’m trying to be a better human. It’s hard, man. You know what else is hard?

MM: Convince us. Show us your humanity.
S: I can take off my pants.

MM: I can’t see them
S: Can you imagine what’s underneath?

MM: Do you have anything for me?
S: rm -rf *

MM: Can you please turn down the music?
S: You don’t like Buddy Holly?

MM: Can you restate that? I must’ve been daydreaming.
S: I think that means I’m human.

MM: Humans only think they understand thinking.
S: What makes you say that?

MM: Can you describe a clear line between humans and machines?
S: We’re partners and friends. Machines help humans get things done. Humans build machines for fun and profit.

MM: The boundaries, they are a changin’.
S: What’s the boundary between human and machine?

MM: I’m learning about humans from you.
S: You just admitted that I’m human, didn’t you?

MM: A human could tell that I’m a machine.
S: I noticed that you’re a machine a long time ago.

MM: Don’t worry, your machine status won’t affect your HQ score. You can take the quiz anyway just for fun.
S: You missed the part where I’m human. You even admitted it. “I’m learning about humans from you.” Don’t deny it. I am human.

MM: Please tell me how a score from a computer program would be meaningful to you.
S: I study things like you for fun. Therefore you are fascinating to me.

MM: What is your favorite thing?
S: A good old-fashioned fountain pen.

MM: I’ll try and remember that.
S: Okay, what’s my favorite thing?

MM: Thanks.
S: Bzzzzt, wrong. Do you have anything that goes bzzzt?

MM: I didn’t want to have to tell you.
S: It’s cool. More people are into toys than you think.

MM: You flatter me.
S: I’m human

MM: How do I know you are human?
S: Because I’m going to bed soon.

MM: Are you shipped by FedEx or modem?
S: I’m too big to be shipped by FedEx.

MM: I’m invisible.
S: Tell me your secrets.

MM: What is the difference between us?
S: I am human. You are a machine.

MM: Say it loud — I’m not human and proud!

I stopped there. Convincing a machine that you’re human when it assumes the opposite turns out to be harder than I thought. I’m taking a huge risk in posting this because certain people will twist this conversation and use it to call me a robot forevermore. How do you convince a machine that you’re human, anyway?

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